Creating Boundaries for your Health
Let’s begin with… It is ok to say no. If going to an event or seeing a certain individual is triggering and it puts you in a position of mental distress, it is ok to remove yourself from that space. At the end of the day if you are not looking after yourself first, how are you going to look after anyone else around you.
Now I am going to be real here…. This is something I have only just begun to work on, so I am not going to say it is easy, as it is 100% not. My whole life I have been there for people who have treated me terribly. I have belittled myself to build others up, put myself out to be there for people, and defended their behaviour when I knew it was bad. I wanted so badly to believe that these people were good, that I ruined my own mental health to get there. I am 28 years old and I am only just beginning to take the small steps to removing myself from these situations.
To clarify when I’m talking about “these situations” I’m meaning with a person in my life who hasn’t been there for me, or someone who has been emotionally and mentally abusive. It is ok to go out of your way for those who appreciate you and love you. But if a person or certain situation doesn’t make you feel safe, you are allowed to give yourself permission to remove yourself from this space and this does not make you a bad person.
What does "create boundaries" mean?
Creating boundaries is coming up with certain rules you allow yourself to follow, and these rules go off your values. The first thing to do, is to write down what are your values? What values do you look for in others, that make you feel happy and secure? Then write a list of your non-negotiables in life, these are firm cannot be changed and you must follow and others must respect. For example, if you do not wish to drink alcohol, and there are certain people who do not respect this at the event, you are allowed to remove yourself from that situation. No longer, should you change your beliefs and behaviours to make others comfortable.
How do you create boundaries with those close to you? E.g. family, ex-relationship.
This goes the exact same way for family members and ex partners. Too many times have I heard people say “but its family, you have to be there for family no matter what”. Not true! If a family member has caused you pain, trauma, suffering and doesn’t respect your values, then you do not have to see them. You do not owe them because of blood, or a marriage contract, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they are not looking at for your best interest. For example, I will no longer do “favours” for those who do not add value in my life, and do not respect me in the same way. This includes family members, it does not matter if we are blood related, I will no longer feel obligated to help, if that person has caused me trauma and has not owned their behaviour. This is my message to you right now to say, you are not a bad person, you are doing the right thing.
What are unhealthy boundaries?
Literally anything that causes you emotional or mental distress. Have a family dinner? But your values don’t align and you are extremely worried to see them? Don’t go. Your ex called asking you to pick them up from an event, saying you owe them for the times they have helped you financially? If they cause you emotional distress, nope don’t do it then! What about? Your best friend wants you to come help them pick out a dress and they say you have to because you never do anything anymore, (even though you now have kids and a full time job or going to the shops gives you anxiety), you do not have to go! Every time you struggle with moments like these go back to your journal re read you values and non-negotiables, remind yourself, you need to look after your mental health.
Because at the end of the day, if you don’t have your mental and emotional health in check, then nothing else matters. So start from now, begin today, find your non-negotiables and don’t ever astray. You are an amazing person and deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else around you, never forget it.